I just got off the phone with a Sprint call center. Helpful man, he went through my account and transferred the billing address in just a minute or two. Before ending the call, he asked if he could interest me in Sprint PCS service. And then the inevitable, “Have I provided satisfactory service to you today?” or something like that. You’ve probably heard it a dozen times, the scripted sentences at the end of a call which pretty much guarantee that the employee is going to sound like a moron.

The post office, sorry, US Postal Service, came late to this cross-sell up-sell game and can pretty much be guaranteed to do it badly. Remember when you could send a package and they might ask you if you wanted stamps too? Then they had to recite a list of the ways you could pay. That seems to have gone away, and now they end every bit of business by asking if you want to send it overnight in a special express shipment that crosses the North Pole, if you want proof of delivery, or would like it to be certified. I may have a few details wrong, but that’s just because it’s so hard to listen to each time you want to just send off a copy of the magazine.

Scripts have their place, I suppose. Letting employees exercise a bit of discretion in how they offer services should have a superior place. Microsoft’s experience Banking Initiative talks about the customer and employee experience. When I hear the people at the post office spout these awful lines, which they must do to prevent getting turned in by a secret shopper, I feel embarrassed for them and annoyed at the Postal Service. The worst offender I have come across to date is SBC, the phone company, whose reps have to end their calls with a bunch of saccharine nonsense. When I told one that my only complaint was the awful script she had to follow, she was decent enough to laugh.

As I related in a previous column, my bank avoids this by not letting me talk to anyone other than a machine, with the exception of the time I left my ATM card at a branch in Orlando. I called to see if they could hold onto it until I got back in 10 days (this was high conference season), and they transferred me to a call center in Pennsylvania. The woman there got me set up with a new card, and then asked if she could help me with anything else. I asked about auto loans.

Dead silence.

Apparently an entirely new concept to her.

Oh well, never mind. The new ATM card arrived and when I activated it the machine told me to stay on the line. Then it tried to pitch me on some insurance. I hung up.

Between pitching machines and scripted people, it’s hard to tell where you get the worse service these days.

Anyway, you might just phone your own call center sometime and see if the folks there are allowed to think for themselves. Remember that old phrase, “Going Postal?” Would be a shame to see it displaced by, “Going Banko.”